Thursday, February 9, 2012

Coffee

I went to college, for a time, in the East Central part of the great state of Misery. My grandparents put a roof over my head while I worked in the city and took classes at night. It was a 45 mile ride, east down Interstate 44, from where I lived to where I worked. How that all came about is a long story, I won’t bore you. But those twice daily trips were the source of a lot of adventure. Someone once told me that it was probably because the Interstate had replaced the old Route 66. I didn’t understand the reference until they started singing, ‘Get your kicks, on Route 66’. Whatever the reason, at least once or three times, I met guys that caught my eye during the commute.

At that time in my life, I thought I was ten feet tall and bullet proof. I wasn’t scared of anything  because I still thought that none of the bad things that happened in the world would ever happen to me. Or at least if they did happen, they couldn’t be worse than things that had already happened to me. As a result, stopping in a diner or truck stop to have coffee with a total stranger wasn’t something that would give me pause for even a second. I did stop one time and talk to a guy my age that I would see now and then on my way home. But he was getting ready to move to Seattle and I only saw him one more time after we talked.

In late March of the second year that I made that grueling daily trip, a crew began remodeling the fascia of a grocery I passed every day. For several weeks, every morning, one of the construction workers would whistle at me and yell good morning. He looked good up on that scaffolding. His biceps bulged and he was tanned even though it was barely Spring. He had sandy blonde hair, cut short. And if I happened to see him bent over in his tight Levis I had to turn the A/C on high. I always laughed at the cat calls as I waved. There didn’t seem to be any harm in a little flirting. It wasn’t like I would ever see those workers in person.

Later, I began to see the good morning guy driving his truck now and then, as I headed home. The truck was white with a ladder rack. The name of his business was on both side doors. One afternoon we were next to each other in stop and go traffic. He rolled down his window and asked me if I wanted to stop somewhere to have coffee. Not being well schooled in innuendo, I thought he really meant that he wanted to sit and talk and drink coffee, or in my case soda, because I didn’t drink coffee. I thought, what the heck, he definitely curled my toes. We took the Allenton Road exit at Six-Flags and I parked next to him at a restaurant that was conveniently close to a Holiday Inn Express, but I didn’t make the connection.

I got in his truck and we talked. It probably didn’t take him long to figure out that I was completely oblivious to his real intent when he asked me to stop. He seemed really interested in ME so it didn’t occur to me that the encounter was anything more than a guy who wanted to get to know a girl he had been flirting with for several weeks.

I had always had a preference for guys who were a little older. Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet learned to pick up on visual cues or tells. I would have known what the guy was really after had I not missed all of signals during that conversation. Looking back, I realize that at some point the guy decided the situation could easily be more than a one-time hook up. But it was going to take some work.

He said he was 26, had his own business, lived not far from where we stopped, but he wasn’t specific. We talked about my work, school, where I grew up and how I came to be in that part of the country. He asked if I was married or had a boyfriend and I answered no to both. They didn’t seem like unreasonable questions, but I didn’t take the opportunity to ask him if he was in a relationship.

He asked me what I liked to do for fun. I told him that I liked four-wheeling, bowling, camping, boating. He told me he liked all of those things as well and owned a couple of four-wheelers. After we talked for half an hour or so we made plans to go four-wheeling on some property his buddy owned. He asked if I had a girl-friend that would be interested in going with us. But I told him all my close friends were back in Oklahoma. Had any of those girl friends been around they would have hit me upside the head and said, ‘Hello clueless, common sense calling.’

I gave him my number so he could call to tell me when and where we would meet. As the conversation wound down, he took my left hand in his right, intertwined our fingers then pulled me closer. I leaned toward him fairly sure that he was going to kiss me. He looked at me with his bedroom eyes, leaned forward, but then he sat back and sighed. Holding up the piece of paper in his left hand where my phone number was written, he said, ‘I have to tell you something and you may want this back.’

I tried to pull my hand away, but he held on to it. That was my first inkling that this wasn’t some innocent get to know ya. I experienced a brief moment of terror until he relaxed his grip but didn’t let go of my hand.  While he hesitated I could hear my heart thundering in my ears. My chest felt tight. I probably would have hyperventilated but he finally said, ‘I’m married. Does that make a difference?’

I’m sure the shock on my face was a testament to how very naïve I was despite all of the things that had happened to me in my 20 short years. I jerked my hand again and this time he let it go. Not even bothering to think it over I said, ‘You’re right, give it back. It makes a huge difference.’

We both leaned back against the seat and stared out the windshield of his truck for a few silent moments. Finally, I opened the truck door and said, ‘You know what, Paul? I gotta go’. He looked at me and said, ‘Are you sure?’ I let out my breath on a frustrated sigh and said, ‘Yeah, I am, but let me ask you something.’ He gripped the steering wheel, eyes suspicious, and said, ‘Okay, what?’ I replied, ‘If you had known I would have a problem with this situation, would you have told me anyway?’ His shoulders slumped in relief as he answered, ‘Yeah, I would have, it’s only fair.’

That’s when I knew this wasn’t his first rodeo.

As I stepped out of the truck he said, ‘Hey wait.’ He handed me a business card and said, ‘If you change your mind, call this number and say you want to remodel your bathroom.’ Finally mastering the fine art of innuendo I said, ‘Do you remodel a lot of bathrooms?’ He said, ‘No, this is my first.’ I knew he was lying. After shutting the truck door, I walked back to my car, disappointed.

I looked at the card laying on my console next to the stick-shift as I accelerated up the west bound on-ramp. With a disgusted sigh I rolled down the glass and flicked the business card out the window.


You’d think that was the end of the story, but it’s not. A week or so later, in stop and go traffic, I looked over and he was in the next lane. He hit the power button to roll down his window. I did the same. He said, ‘This is a sign we were meant to get together.’  ‘Are you still married?’ I asked. He nodded affirmative. I could see the regret on his face when I said, ‘Then no. It isn’t.’ He started to say something else but traffic started moving in my lane. That was the last time I saw him.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Shit Programmers Say


I need to do a dump.
Who wrote this crap?
Do you have a compile listing?
I need to test it.
It compiled, it will work.
Did you test it?
I tested it.
Who tested this?
It blew up.
The test didn’t work.
It’s a data issue.
I found a bug.
The system crashed.
It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
I can’t get it to compile.
The program ab-ended.
This is why we test.
Defcon 4.
Should I give them what they need, or what they asked for?
It’s user error.
Who got the help ticket?
Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
It’s a program error.
That’s dumber than a door knob.
It’s spaghetti code.
This is going to be an all nighter.
It’s in parallel test.
I’ve got it in test mode.
Can we get it off the backup?
It’s all part of the design.
Who are the test users?
That is an I-D-10-T error.
Don’t be such a user.
Nothing has been changed.
We have to IPL the machine.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
The problem is between the keyboard and the chair.
A consultant must have written this crap.
It all pays the same.
Where is the source code?
Why don’t we have version control?
I put it in production.
Kill the consultant.
What version are they on?
Do a dump.
It’s in production.
I should have gone to Med school.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Text Conversations with Mom


Me: What is Roy doing tonight?
Mom: Hanging with UJ.
Me: I don’t think you are supposed to say hanging when you are referring to guys.
Mom: OH!

I preordered my Mom a Kindle Fire for Christmas. Since she told me that is what she wanted, she obviously knew what she was getting when I told her that the gift I ordered for her had arrived. So we began referring to it as the ‘pony’. Because, what girl doesn’t want a pony for Christmas?

Me: Do you have an Amazon account?
Mom: No. I have been down the Amazon, but I don’t have an account.

Me: I’m giving you the pony early. It’s crapping on my driveway.
Mom: Oh goody, I need some fertilizer!

I was complaining to Mom about being asked by several different people to run a last minute errand when I was trying to get out of town.  Mostly, I was complaining about a particular errand where I was asked to front the cash to pay for the item I would be obtaining. It was not a small about of cash and I had doubts that I would be repaid in a timely manner.

Mom:  Just always say you are a little short of cash.  By the way could you pick up something for me at the mall :)
Me: You suck
Mom: You can’t say that to me. I’m your mother!
Me: Be nice or Santa will return the pony.

On the trip over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house Mom left from T-town and we left from Joplin at roughly the same time. An hour into the 3.5ish hour trip I was unbelievably bored. I’d had a nap. Harassing iWof was out of the question. He was fighting the holiday traffic so I cut him some slack. I know. Way out of character for me. So I did the next best thing… harassed my Mom via text.

Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?

Me: I brought champagne so we can have Mimosas for breakfast… … Now tell me what a good daughter I am.
Mom: Excellent!

It was a bad sign when we both started drinking Mimosas the minute our feet hit the floor Thanksgiving morning. I was coming down with a cold and felt like crap.

The week before TSS and I had dinner one evening at a restaurant that was heavily damaged by the tornado. They had reopened so we decided to give them our support. So did half of Joplin but TSS arrived early and snagged us a table. Unfortunately, our waitress was hacking and coughing as she waited on us. I’d hoped to dodge the bullet, but took it right in the chest.

So waking up feeling like crap set the tone for the holiday. By the time all the dishes were washed I had decided to cut our visit short and go home the next morning. We were supposed to go on a tour of some Hermann wineries on Friday. But, obviously that wasn’t going to happen. We were going home. Then to sweeten the pot I got into a knock-down-drag-out argument with my Grandmother at the breakfast table Friday morning. Unfortunately, we burned through all the champagne at Thursday’s breakfast.

Now, I know there is never any point in arguing with my Grandmother. Everybody knows that so they keep their peace and don’t say to her the things she needs to hear. But I hadn’t slept well for two nights. I REALLY can’t sleep at her house. Mom was warned that there were a couple of issues that were really eating at me and she needed to keep her hand across my mouth all weekend. But she just sat there during the argument. I was saying what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want to be the one in the doghouse.

I really don’t mind being in the doghouse. If everyone is pissed at you they leave you alone. Our clan is enormous so there is always SOMEBODY pestering you.  Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how hard you try to piss them off they come back wanting more.

I’m sure when Aunt #1 gets wind of this episode I will be getting a stern lecture.

But at least Mom is still talking to me. She texted her take on the whole mess…..

Mom: There’s my girl. Show Mommy a big smile.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Living Life


I’m living life with no regrets. They’re on their way but aren’t here yet.

OMG. There is nothing like reading your drunken blog post from the previous night.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Some Days


Some days are smooth like Grey Goose™
Some days are like cheap Russian vodka

Today was totally a cheap Russian vodka day. Tomorrow will totally be an analgesic cocktail and antacid day. I want my mommy!

The sweet thing about being ‘technically’ an only child is that when you declare that you want your mommy, she actually responds. Today I sent a text message to my mom that said, ‘I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!’.  She responded: Okay, I will come up there tonight. So I said, ‘What time?’.  Later she called saying she was at the dentist and they were running behind. Since it would make her leave T-town late she was going to wait until tomorrow morning to come to J-town.

Really, that was okay with me, due to my plans to get sloppy drunk tonight. What I am saying is that I had a bad day at work.  Because I don’t want you to flat line I won’t bore you with details. But suffice it to say… I have decided to invent the site to site transporter so my job will become obsolete. But then I won’t care that my job is obsolete because, hey, I just invented the site to site transporter. I’m working on the schematics as we speak. No wait. First I have to master molecular science. Give me a minute here.

Oh who am I kidding?  I can’t feel my extremities.  I can still say extremities, just can’t feel them.

On the way home from work I made iWof stop at the Big Evil Giant’s wholesale club that makes you pay for a membership in order to shop. Actually, I don’t even pay for it. My mom pays for my membership. But I pay her cell phone bill. And she supported me for 18 years… so I call it a wash. And … I’m … rambling.

So, at the BEGWCTMYPFAMIOTS I bought a bottle of the afore mentioned Grey Goose™.  I also bought a twelver of Orange Crush.  iWof pointed out that I could buy the Orange flavored Grey Goose™ and get the same effect. But then I told him to shut up and pay the lady. Then I gave him the right eyebrow high, lips pursed, glare. He chuckled at me behind my back, but he ponied up the debit card. I know what he is thinking. He thinks I’m going to get sloppy drunk and he is going to get lucky.  (Oh, God. I’m going to regret this post tomorrow.) But in that case he is going to have to time it just right because I’m about two sheets away from flat on my back with my tongue hanging out, one foot on the floor to stop the room from spinning.

Oh who am I kidding?  I can’t feel my extremities.  I can still say extremities, but it sounds kinda slurred.  Even to me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Insomnia


My friend Yo!Mamma sent me an email after 11 PM the other night. If you know me well, you know that I am a night owl. If it weren’t for the unreasonable hours when they make me come to work, most of the time I would be going to bed as the sun came up. On the weekend that is usually the case. I’m a night creature. I don’t get enough sleep because I have to get up at 6 AM to go to work during the week.

As a result, I was wide awake, sitting at my desk writing when the email from Yo!Mamma popped. I told her to go to bed because she had to get up early the next morning. She responded.

Yo!Mamma:  Yes, but when Insomnia comes for a visit, I have to oblige :)
Me: And she is SUCH a bad house guest. Stays up all night.

After midnight the humor is a bit punchy.