Me: What is Roy doing tonight?
Mom: Hanging with UJ.
Me: I don’t think you are supposed to say hanging when you are referring to guys.
Mom: OH!
I preordered my Mom a Kindle Fire for Christmas. Since she told me that is what she wanted, she obviously knew what she was getting when I told her that the gift I ordered for her had arrived. So we began referring to it as the ‘pony’. Because, what girl doesn’t want a pony for Christmas?
Me: Do you have an Amazon account?
Mom: No. I have been down the Amazon, but I don’t have an account.
Me: I’m giving you the pony early. It’s crapping on my driveway.
Mom: Oh goody, I need some fertilizer!
I was complaining to Mom about being asked by several different people to run a last minute errand when I was trying to get out of town. Mostly, I was complaining about a particular errand where I was asked to front the cash to pay for the item I would be obtaining. It was not a small about of cash and I had doubts that I would be repaid in a timely manner.
Mom: Just always say you are a little short of cash. By the way could you pick up something for me at the mall :)
Me: You suck
Mom: You can’t say that to me. I’m your mother!
Me: Be nice or Santa will return the pony.
On the trip over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house Mom left from T-town and we left from Joplin at roughly the same time. An hour into the 3.5ish hour trip I was unbelievably bored. I’d had a nap. Harassing iWof was out of the question. He was fighting the holiday traffic so I cut him some slack. I know. Way out of character for me. So I did the next best thing… harassed my Mom via text.
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: Are we there yet?
Me: I brought champagne so we can have Mimosas for breakfast… … Now tell me what a good daughter I am.
Mom: Excellent!
It was a bad sign when we both started drinking Mimosas the minute our feet hit the floor Thanksgiving morning. I was coming down with a cold and felt like crap.
The week before TSS and I had dinner one evening at a restaurant that was heavily damaged by the tornado. They had reopened so we decided to give them our support. So did half of Joplin but TSS arrived early and snagged us a table. Unfortunately, our waitress was hacking and coughing as she waited on us. I’d hoped to dodge the bullet, but took it right in the chest.
So waking up feeling like crap set the tone for the holiday. By the time all the dishes were washed I had decided to cut our visit short and go home the next morning. We were supposed to go on a tour of some Hermann wineries on Friday. But, obviously that wasn’t going to happen. We were going home. Then to sweeten the pot I got into a knock-down-drag-out argument with my Grandmother at the breakfast table Friday morning. Unfortunately, we burned through all the champagne at Thursday’s breakfast.
Now, I know there is never any point in arguing with my Grandmother. Everybody knows that so they keep their peace and don’t say to her the things she needs to hear. But I hadn’t slept well for two nights. I REALLY can’t sleep at her house. Mom was warned that there were a couple of issues that were really eating at me and she needed to keep her hand across my mouth all weekend. But she just sat there during the argument. I was saying what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want to be the one in the doghouse.
I really don’t mind being in the doghouse. If everyone is pissed at you they leave you alone. Our clan is enormous so there is always SOMEBODY pestering you. Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how hard you try to piss them off they come back wanting more.
I’m sure when Aunt #1 gets wind of this episode I will be getting a stern lecture.
But at least Mom is still talking to me. She texted her take on the whole mess…..
Mom: There’s my girl. Show Mommy a big smile.
