An uninvited guest.
iWof went out with a bucket to water the willow tree on the lakeshore. I threw both of the pool rafts in the pool and got ready to settle in for a nice nap. But when I got into the pool I first went over and pulled the lid off the skimmer basket looking for the floating thermometer. The basket needed emptied, but since the pump wasn’t running there was no reason to postpone my nap. I turned to take a cursory survey of the water still searching for that thermometer when I noticed a huge night crawler swimming parallel to me, on top of the water, about 3 foot away. As I continued my visual sweep a light bulb suddenly went on above my skull and I heard a distinct <bing>.
Wait a minute. Night crawlers, in my vast experience, do not swim. They do not float. They immediately sink to the bottom of the pool on their way to becoming a gelatinous goo that is rather gross when you scoop it up with the skim net. Oh s<bleep>t. So I do what any red blooded American girl deathly afraid of snakes would do. I squeal like a pig.
He was about 6 feet long and my squeal was a homing beacon. Apparently, I was disturbing his afternoon swim with all my racket, he turned on me. He began rapidly approaching, jaws gapping, fangs glinting in the sun. I was back peddling toward the steps creating a suction that was pulling the enemy in my wake. The bottom step hit the back of my feet and I scrambled out of the pool just as that horrible vicious jaw snapped shut. I felt the rush of air on the back of my leg.
I ran over to the shed still squealing like a balloon that is releasing air slowly through a pinched neck. Finally, iWof turns to see what is causing all the noise and begins ambling over at his usual snail pace. My heart is pounding, my vision gone, I can hardly focus as my trembling fingers pull open the shed door. My reach and grab scores the skim net.
I’ve turned to race back to the pool steps where the monster is stretched out sunning himself when I first notice one of those anomalous freaks of nature that often occur when one encounters a stressful situation. In the time it took me to soar over to the shed and grab the net, that gol-durned sea monster, in the finest cinematic sci-fi form has shrank to 6 or 8 inches long.
By that time, iWof has finally drifted in the vicinity of the gate and looks to see what all the squealing is about. The squealing that has echoed down the canyon and is now causing creatures all up and down the lake to stand up and take notice. Of course the neighbors just pull their shade and sigh, ‘drunk again’ they think. iWof comes up the steps and I can see him trying not to laugh. He says, ‘That’s what all this noise is about?’ I give him the look that tells him to back off before he gets pushed in the pool and the threat is between him and the steps.
My hero, my savior, iWof just stands there waiting on me to do something. I do what every red blooded American girl who is deathly afraid of snakes would do, I hand him the skim net and tell him to get it out of the pool. But Nessy has other plans. He is perfectly content to lay on the step with the water lapping at him. The noisy fat lady is gone so he can return to his afternoon of basking in the sun. It takes several attempts to brush him back out into the water so iWof can get the net under the snake and scoop him up.
Then iWof makes a fatal mistake. Fatal for me because I nearly have a stroke. He brings the little pecker over to me and rams it in my face, ‘What kind of snake do you think it is?’ he says.
‘A dead one.’ I screech as I run behind iWof and peer around his arm to look at the varmint. iWof keeps turning to jam the monstrosity in my chest and I keep running behind him to keep iWof between me and sure death. We perform this little circus act for a few seconds before I say, ‘My eyesight is fine I can see it, quit shoving it in my face.’ He is still making fun of me and is nearing the danger zone where I have to whip out the whoop-ass.
After he kills the snake.
There is still a fair amount of debate over what kind of snake dared enter my Garden of Eden. Because of my insistence that the snake was swimming on top of the water. And due to his own personal visual inspection, iWof is convinced that the snake was venomous. Due to my irrational, psychotic fear of snakes I still don’t care. But my money is on Bull Snake. On one or two previous occasions I have seen bull snakes in the vicinity; leaving the vicinity due to my sonic squeal. Also, bull snakes hatch in August and this youngster hadn’t been around very long.
Maybe he was on top of the water because he was so young and lightweight? However, I’ve also personally made visual confirmation of water moccasins in or around the lake. Mostly in, swimming on top of the water with a triangular head and cat eyes. We won’t ever know for sure the nature of this beastie because before I thought to take a photo the threat was eliminated by being ground into powder.
It was the only way to stop the squealing that was making the dogs cover their ears. And besides, I’m pretty sure all his brothers and sisters are sitting out on the lakeshore plotting how they are going to avenge the death of their loved one.
I’m calling a real-estate agent.
No comments:
Post a Comment